Running and Rest are one in the same to me. It is the time my mind is finally able to deal with all the free thought radicals floating fruitlessly through my brain and purge them into cohesive sentences before my favorite listener. The one who hears even soft-spoken voices and responds in love drenched truth.
I wrote a blog about Henri Nouwen and what he has been teaching me, but the dang computer had a minor meltdown right before I could publish it. This still stands as one of the reasons computers will always be inferior to the noble and timeless pen and paper. But for now I can type as fast as I can think, whereas for writing, I certainly cannot.
Here is the humble leftovers of a much more cohesive post.....
As I ran away with God on a country road tonight, He began showing me things I have been reading in Nouwen's book, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing. Nouwen talks about facing your pain in its deepest center and dealing with it there. Though very cliche and well understood, to a person with a mental pain room so full of undone losses and sudden severances, it can be far too daunting for one soul to even begin coping with. I have found myself in this place today... suddenly realizing my inability to engage.. my dissatisfaction and acceptance of anything familiar in my life... as a witness to my life but not a partaker of it. I had become detached from reality through numbness and it felt good to finally admit it to myself.
In facing the numbness, I began to realize my undeniable detachment from my life and those in it. But the funny thing about detachment is how it induces deep thought. This was the place I faced it, the throb within the pain. I began to realize how numerous my losses have been in such a short amount of time and though daunted by their significance, I was released from the greedy captor, numbness, who holds prisoner all those reaching for their rescue. God showed me some things and they go a bit like this....
It is a very difficult thing to contrast beauty against beauty, for how does the moon pose its form more lovely than against the darkness of night and how can a pearl display valor in fields frosted with snow. It is as if in the midst of suffering we have eyes to see the simple beauties in remarkable contrast to the darkness around and within us.
Heaven is a place laden with unspeakable beauties, all reflecting oneanother, as only an attribute of the King, completely coexisting in fullness of brilliance. But here we have much to learn of suffering, for heaven has not yet come, and there is much we don't know of the King.
Simple joys I came to appreciate today...
Tiny macaroni handprints all over my pink jacket
brown and white bunnies that chase ahead of me as I run
a canvas of sky splayed with warm apricot strokes and spun gold
Kim Walker in my ears and fresh cut grass and tall corn fields inhaled through my nose
Conversations about the future from unexpected sources that include Jesus, plants, and employment!
A phone call from a certain young lady named spunkalicious Susie, ok that's not her real name.
Realizing I will never have it figured out, so just squeeze the sponge of the present
That me and Jesus have a 6:30 am fishing date with apple and cinnamon oatmeal, Francis Chan, and Henri Nouwen in the morning.
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